Rage against The Lack of Urban Etiquette

Etiquette. It’s not something that people only did in the 50s. Neither is it something that should be confined to manners pamphlets. It’s real, and it ought to be used every day. It’s even more important to mind your manners in a big city, where manners are easily lost in the hustle and bustle. I’ll be the first one to admit that when the subway doors open, I’m crowding on to the train as quick as I can. There simply isn’t time to graciously step aside and allow the elderly, infirmed, and expectant on ahead of you. It’s always amusing to watch tourists discover this as the train doors start to close and they are faced with the split-second decision of whether to insert a limb into the doors (surprisingly, many choose this option. The doors aren’t automatic – if the train operator doesn’t see you, you may be missing that foot when the train pulls away) or to stand there confused as the train pulls away.

So of course, there are times when the things that may happen with regularity in the South (door holding, letting others go first) can’t happen here. But some things can and should be done. The New Yorker once ran an article about Urban Etiquette. There is such a thing, and it’s astonishing how few people seem to realize… or care.

There are a host of behaviors I find annoying. I’m easily prone to peeves. But I think most people probably share annoyance at the behaviors below:

1) Smoking. First, I don’t know why anyone would risk their health in order to do this. It’s a dumb thing to do, particularly when the medical evidence incontrovertibly points to its dangers. But if you MUST smoke, for heaven’s sake, do it in as inoffensive manner as possible. Some of us are allergic to the smoke and get an immediate, long-lasting, and gruesome migraine. Don’t do it in doorways or courtyards where others congregate. It’s SO ANNOYING when you walk outside and your senses are assaulted by a plume of noxious fumes. Don’t do it. Besides, state law mandates that you keep your distance from doorways when smoking. At least respect the law if you don’t respect your fellow humans. Don’t do it on sidewalks – we have to walk through that. And unlike you, apparently, some of us hate it when we smell like a stale cigarette the rest of the day, all thanks to your habit.

2) Improper Use of Transit on Sidewalks. I don’t mind when people skateboard It’s a great way to get exercise, and it takes a lot of balance and agility. I can’t skateboard, so props to those who can. But with that said, several times in the last few days, I have been walking down the sidewalk and I hear that menacing, scraping, gravelly sound looming up behind me. It’s a sound I dread. The sound of a skateboarder approaching. I don’t mind sharing the sidewalks with other life-forms. But what I DO mind is sharing the sidewalk with people who don’t share it with me.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve almost been bowled over by a skateboarder flying recklessly down a walkway, or by a bicyclist pedaling maniacally past. Frankly, I’ve had a bait of it, and I intend to clothesline the next person who is rude enough to nearly knock me over while skateboarding or cycling past. One night, Luke came close to inadvertently clotheslining a skateboarder while we were getting off a bus. Luke steps off the bus, and this dude comes zooming up on a skateboard, on the ROAD side of the sidewalk. At bus stops in LA, there is usually a bench by the road, or either metal bars where the bus pulls up. The lions share of the sidewalk is away from the road, and there is a very narrow walkway on the bus side of the road. This dude is skating on the bus side and nearly creams Luke.

Today, I was hobbling to a bus stop in my suit and heels. I hear that sound coming up behind me. But it never passes, it just keeps on and on. I hate feeling like I’m being forced off the sidewalk. So at my own peril, I continued walking forward. The skateboarder finally zooms by me on my right, only to smash into some unwitting businessman. The skateboarder leaps off his skateboard, uses a few choice words to further insult the business man, and skates away. Now, as it happens, this guy was just plain rude. He later cut in line in front of me at the bus stop, but that’s another story. The bottom line is, nobody would have felt nervous or threatened if he hadn’t been skateboarding on a busy sidewalk. I’m sorry, but when you could stir the people with a stick, it is not the time to start going three times the speed of everyone else. It’s just really not. Just walk. And if you must skateboard, do it on another sidewalk away from everyone else.

But lest the skateboarders be unfairly blamed with all the sidewalk strife in LA, let me expand this blasting. I also fault bicyclists and runners. Just yesterday morning, I was walking down a sidewalk in Westwood, when suddenly a runner goes loping past, followed by a person on a bicycle. They, too, were knocking bodies left and right in their wake. I just ask, “WHYYYYYY?” If you are out for your morning jog/ride, WHY would you choose a busy sidewalk where there is bound to be congestion and people inhibiting your stride? It makes no sense, and it’s aggravating. It grates on my nerves when some impossibly-nubile young chick goes bounding past (particularly when you can tell that as soon as she rounds the corner from the traffic, she will collapse in agony), dodging pedestrians in an impatient manner, and then prancing at crosswalks in a purported attempt to “keep warmed up.” COME ON. I actually tried running on sidewalks like that one day. I left my office at the federal building,  ran through Little Tokyo, and then back downtown to meet Luke at his office. The scenery wasn’t that great (particularly when my sense of direction got messed up and I took a wrong turn that led me into the gnarliest area I’ve ever seen. If I ever meet the cop who drove along by me until I got out of that neighborhood, I will buy him donuts. I have never run so fast), the exhaust from the cars was murder, and the CROSSWALKS. It seemed like I hit every single one red. Cramps set in in no time because I couldn’t keep moving. So I have to conclude that people who run on busy sidewalks are either a) doing it to be obnoxious, or b) doing it to be seen (which is obnoxious in and of itself).

3) Line Cutting. Now, I prefaced this note with an anecdote about the need for speed when boarding trains. But with that said, everyone can get on the Metro vehicle of their choice WITHOUT line-cutting. Old women are THE WORST. Sorry, but when there are 50 people waiting to get on the bus, you really haven’t done yourself that great a service by elbowing me in the ribs in order to cut in line in front of me. Particularly when I’m like, 45th in line. I hate the side-winding and edging that happens. It just makes me want to snatch up one of them by their neck hairs and bellow, “GO AWAY.” So annoying.

4) Bus Migrating (and Failure to Migrate). When the bus is packed, for heaven’s sakes, do NOT push, shove, edge, and otherwise weasel your way to the back of the bus. We would all move if we could. But we can’t. When there are 100 bodies too many on a Metro bus, there is simply no point in demanding that everyone move out of your way so that you can go shark a seat or be lurking near the door. There simply isn’t room to move. And when you shove past us, all you’re doing is forcing a butt-rubbing on us. We hate that. We know where that has been, and we want no part of it. Conversely, the Failure to Migrate can be just as frustrating. When a ton of people are piling onto a relatively empty bus, do NOT stake out a place in the aisle near the front of the bus and refuse to move. Go ahead and move towards the back to make room for the new passengers that are boarding. You’ll be so much happier because nobody will be squeezing and jostling by you and huffing and puffing about your rudeness.The same goes for elevators, actually. If the elevator is packed, why are you standing in the door? That isn’t helping anyone.

5) Being Obnoxious at Sporting Events. We get it. You’re excited, thrilled, and a home-team-rooter the whole way. So are we. But we can do it without 25 $13 beers in our systems. We can also cheer at appropriate times, rather than drunkenly bellowing the whole time. Though of course you’ll never miss cheering about a good play by doing so, your nearby seat-mates will hate, loathe, and despise you.

6) Inconsiderate Parking. When parking is slim, don’t be over the lines! PULL UP as far as you can when parallel parking. Parking doesn’t grow on trees around here! Seriously.

7) Failing to Stand to the Right on Escalators. If you ain’t gonna climb, then stand to the side. Don’t get with your mama, your grandmama, your aunts, uncles, cousins, and host of siblings and stand in a cluster on the escalator. Some people might be in a hurry. They might want to actually climb the escalator. So please get out of the way.

8 ) Line Clustering. Few things have made me madder in recent days than when I was in line at Carl’s on my lunch break. I was in a hurry, and chose the shorter line. When it came time for the girl in front of me to order, the three boys in the line next to us left that line and joined her. They then took over 8 minutes to choose their combo meals. Could I make this up? I don’t care if it’s busy in a place of business – wait your turn in a fair way. Don’t gamble with line brevity. It makes the other patrons angry.

Rage 2: Rage against the Prematurely and Obnoxiously Victorious

This rage is directed at that crowd of people we all know and hate: the prematurely and obnoxiously victorious. We’ve all been there: something you wanted (regardless of how much you wanted it) eludes your grasp. You are in the midst of being a good loser, shaking hands with those whose victory has been announced and graciously accepted. And then… someone else’s name is called. You hear uproarious applause. Yes. It’s happened again. You have just lost out to a bad winner. There is dancing and cheering, all with callous indifference to the others standing around. Administrators call for order. You think to yourself, “Honestly…”

Regardless of your walk in life, or particular victories or defeats, we’ve all met that person who cannot graciously welcome what appears to be success. Those people celebrate the loudest at preliminary victories, and you’re just left thinking, “What does all this prove? You haven’t even got anything!”

This weekend, I had the honor of being able to compete in a regional mock trial tournament. The winners of the regions all advance to the final meet for an epic showdown. Law students, regardless of what they tell you, are Type A personalities. We like to win. We are aggressive, and we hate losing. Most of us have enough class to conceal our disappointment when we lose, and to temper our excitement when we win. Well, after two hard-fought rounds against world-class talent in trial advocacy, it was time to cull out the teams who would not advance to the next round. Anxiously, I awaited our results next to my partners and the second UCLA team. We knew we would probably not advance. We are a student organization, and we have no professional coaching as do other teams. However, we held out some hope that maybe we were just bizarrely talented and would beat enough teams to go through.

Name after name was called… Still, we waited. Suddenly, a university’s name was called, and the “professional” coach, not the students, broke into a cheer and happy dance. There, in the lobby of the San Diego Westin, surrounded by her professional peers and by law students, she danced. And she cheered, and she hollered. The announcer called for order. She gave another whoop and said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m just so excited.” 14 other team names had been called, and I’m sure they were excited too, but there’s one in every crowd who does something inappropriate and shows OUT.

She would need to guide her team through another 5 eliminations in order to win. Ain’t gonna happen. I played that team. Trust me on that when I say, she was a premature and obnoxiously victorious winner.

I hate the celebraters, the cheerers, the dancers. I hate the bearers of air horns who plague graduation ceremonies. I hate the people who scream, “Go on, Jaunteel!!!!” so freaking loudly that you cannot hear the next 50 names who are called. I hate winners who aren’t winners, who cheer before it’s time, and who have no sense of sportsmanship. Sure, you made it through the first cut. But realize – there are a ton of other teams who were neck and neck with you, and you owe them some courtesy. Also realize how far you may be from the finish line…

I came home freshly resolved to never be a prematurely victorious obnoxious person.

Another victorious crowd, insensitive to the loss of the other.

Inaugural Rage: Rage against the Duggars

The Duggars (by this, I do not mean all 50,000 of them, only the parents) are the most irresponsible, idiotic creatures I have heard about in a long time. They are ridiculous, they cannot cope with the number of children they have, and yet, bizarrely, they reproduce time and time again. My theory is that they are hoping to continue their newfound reality TV fame.

Need some proof? They were first featured in the TLC show “17 Kids and Counting.” Then, it became “18 Kids and Counting.” Now, with the advent of this new unfortunate child, the show is being renamed. To “19 Kids and Counting.”

I can think of no philosophy under the SUN that can give meaning to endangering the lives of a multitude of children. It is totally irresponsible! This woman is too old to be having kids like the human race will perish if she doesn’t. The proof is in the fact that this newest child, Josie, was born severely pre-mature, and with a host of issues that will likely plague her for the rest of her life. Accidents happen. Not all pregnancies are going to be perfect, and it’s not for us humans to determine who gets to have kids that are normal and who doesn’t. HOWEVER, you are playing with fire when you insist on NINETEEN children. My rage comes from the fact that they are seemingly oblivious to the misery their poor kids must suffer.

Try googling their laundry room. Try googling their pantry. It is ridiculous. The kids can’t possibly have any sort of parental guidance or raising. They simply can’t. If Mrs. Duggar NEVER slept, she could spend slightly more than one hour per day on herself (bathing, personal maintenance, and eating), her husband (they have to find the time to make these children sometime!), and each of her 19-strong brood. Yeah, right. We can assume that she spends the majority of her day caring for this new infant that she brought into the world. Where does that leave the middle-aged kids? The teenagers who are struggling with all the things teenagers struggle with? The older ones who need help figuring out where to go to college? I’ll tell you where it leaves them. Folding Mrs. Duggar’s laundry (and the other 20 people’s laundry), cooking the food, cleaning the house. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in chores for kids. But should they have to run an institution sized home essentially singlehanded while raising themselves? NO! The clear answer is NO! Once we arrive at this answer, we arrive at the conclusion that the Duggar parents are the most irresponsible, idiotic beings that I can think of to rage at right now.

Why are they irresponsible? Because they are letting their children flounder while they focus on more superfluous procreation. Because the world is overcrowded as it is. What if we ALL had 19+ children? You wanna see what if? Look at India. Look at China! Miserable conditions for the people, and crackdowns on ultimate productive capacity. Not good.

Why are they idiots? Because who else can you think of that is stupid enough to have 19 kids they couldn’t feed without help or raise without help, or even dumb enough to have 19 kids? Dumb enough to risk the health of each new one as they gamble with the biological clock? Dumb enough to not only fail to raise their kids, but plaster them all over TV for a profit? I can’t think of anyone.

Thus, I hate the Duggar situation. I’m not saying I hate the Duggars. I hate their idiocy and irresponsibility. So I’m raging at them.

duggar bash